A doula's COVID diary

How?
How are we supposed to do this?

There use to be clear and defined spaces in our schedules. When I was working, I could compartmentalize my brain and turn off family for a hot minute.

Now, we’re home and our work space is our home space.
Our family time is bled right into our work time.

Image description: a baby lays on their back with their head turned towards the camera. They have light brown hair and blue eyes. They are wearing a white long-sleeved onesie and are laying on a grey quilted blanket with white stars.

I’ve read article after article about the emotional labour and burden on women during this time.

I feel affirmed. I know I’m not alone (although I’m not sure it feels any easier knowing my “sister-wives” and “mom-besties” are also struggling as I am).

I’d like to share my experience, and what has come up for me during this time. Our stories matter and if this one helps you, that will bring me some joy.

When I started my maternity leave(s) (which you can read about here), all I wanted was to be home with my family and to be mom. Right now, that’s still true some of the time but to have a parental leave thrust onto what would have been the busiest year of my doula career has been infuriating.

I wanted to work this year.

Covid changed the way we had to doula during the lockdown. We tried our best to make our services accessible and we went virtual to accommodate the restrictions of attending births in person - particularly in the hospital.

It worked for some of our clients, and thank goodness we had access to the technology to make that happen, but I straight up hated it. Virtual support was not the way I wanted my support to be delivered or received.

It’s March.
We’re in lockdown.
Groceries delivered, toilet paper shortages, fuck-yeah we’re getting Disney+.
This might be an interesting opportunity to just root down and reset but I’m having anxiety attacks every ten days or so.
The insecurity of money, our jobs, and how to keep ourselves safe and healthy.
The busyness of my life is stripped away and all the things I’ve been avoiding dealing with and facing are coming to the surface.
How’s that going you ask?
Well, I’m having anxiety attacks every ten days or so.
It’s for the best I don’t have a bunch of active doula clients in care right now.

It’s mid-May, and we’re not that busy work-wise.
My next client isn’t expected to have their baby until mid-October.
How will things look by then?
Will we be back in hospital?
What’s going to happen with this second wave they all keep talking about.
Meanwhile… it’s groundhog day in parenting land.
Some days I adore all this time we get together.
Some days I just want to get in the car and be in the mountains until the authorities find me dancing naked to Fleetwood Mac in the forest.
I’m talking to a therapist, and it’s really helping.
Anxiety attacks are less.

It’s July.
The parks re-open and for our family with a pre-schooler and a toddler, this is a welcome development.
We’re doing a home renovation and the distraction and progress of the project is welcome.
We’re spending a lot of time outside, and it’s medicine for my mental health.
We’ve weighed the risks and benefits and decide to go-ahead with our planned vacation to see our family in BC.
It’s going to be subdued and less activities than we would normally plan, but being in a different house in a different city with the company of our family is balm for our souls.
We swim in lakes and eat ice cream.
Thank you summer.

It’s October.
Doulas have been back in hospitals since June and I’m getting busier and filling my schedule with doula clients.
We’re into the second wave and it looks somewhat like we anticipated I think.
Our home life and work life are married now.
Like any marriage I guess - it takes communication and the willingness to continue showing up.
I have to carve out the time I need and lock the door to get it.
We’re supporting each other to get what we need, and we’re making it work now.
It feels like it’s got flow.
I’ve learned what I need to get through this, and if we need to go back into lockdown I’ll be ready to face the next one with clarity and preparedness.

If you’re looking for answers, I got nuthin.
Just my own efforts to bumble through this like the rest of us.

Actually, now that I think about it knowing we’re not alone in the bumble does make me feel better.

As Saint Glennon says, “We can do hard things”.