Asking for help? So. Damn. Hard.
Why is asking for help so. damn. hard?!
Our culture values independence. In fact, we value it so highly that we’d often rather be miserable, exhausted, overwhelmed, and independent then thriving, joyful, rested, and interdependent.
Here’s the secret though – it doesn’t have to be that way. The only reason it IS that way is because we’ve all agreed to it. So if enough of us decided another way is better, then THAT would be the way.
Image description: a baby lays on their stomach, lifiting their head and looking forward. They’re wearing a light grey sleeper with drawings of puppies on it. There is an orange, white, and brown stuffed puppy to the left of the baby, blurred in the background. They’re on a white duvet. The baby is wearing a white, knitted toque.
A new baby requires all hands on deck.
If you’ve ever felt like caring for your new baby, yourself, your partner, your household, AND your relationship is an impossible task – you’re right! It IS an impossible task. We can’t actually manage to meet the needs of all the people in our lives on our own. No one can.
It’s not possible. Something will give. And usually, it’ll be your mental and emotional well-being.
In preparation for this new arrival in your life then, it’s time to do some unpacking around asking for help (and, of course, a little practice as well!):
Questions for reflection:
do I feel it’s a problem to ask for help? if so, why?
where or from whom did I learn that it’s a problem to ask for help?
what do I believe it means about me – as a person, a parent, a partner – if I have to ask for help?
is that belief true? can I think of examples (either my own or others) where something else was true?
what do I believe other people think about me when I ask for help? is THAT belief true? how might I fact check it?
how do I feel when someone I care about asks me for help?
How to practice asking for help, a step-by-step:
Find something “small stakes” that you need help with. Can’t think of anything? Consider:
What chore are you doing right now that you HATE?
What time of day do you have that “oh-my-god-it’s-all-too-much-and-I-don’t-have-enough-time” feeling?
What makes you feel pissy and resentful in your life right now?
Find someone to help. It’s best to start with someone that you feel safe with and trust to not be a dick, someone who’s shown you in the past that they care about you. Is that your partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend? Does it make sense to ask this person for help with what you came up with above?
Make the ask! Obviously, I don’t know what your specific ask is, but I bet you do. This is the part where your asshole brain is going to go into overdrive with all the reasons IT’S NOT SAFE TO ASK FOR HELP YOU SILLY PERSON WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU ANYMORE AND YOU’LL BE LEFT OUTSIDE FOREVER AND EVER TO ROT AND DIE ALONE. 😏
But seriously – there’s usually some version of that running through our brains when we go to make the ask. Making the ask is the part that requires a bit of courage because of the ruckus asshole brain kicks up. The icky, uncomfortable feeling of asking for help WILL pass. It will come and it will go. So when it comes, don’t let it stop you from making your ask.
Notice how it feels to get the help you need.
Repeat.
The more you practice this BEFORE baby comes, the easier it’ll feel once baby’s here and you truly need the help. By then, you’ll be a pro at asking for and receiving the help you need. Which just makes life (and parenting) a whole lot easier.
Future you thanks you.
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