The Blended Family Life
My 17 year old self would never have guessed that my life would end up here….a husband (who works out of town), three kids (each with a different mom), a roommate, dogs – and all of us living together in one home.
I would have guessed the kids part, and the marriage part, but that’s where the similarities would have stopped – I never would have guessed I would be living the blended family life.
My vision of life was simple – instead, I have had to learn to co-parent, manage other people’s family dynamics on top of my own and, in the process, have discovered an existence that is vibrant, complicated, and 100% worth it.
I am a mother of three children: an adopted daughter, a stepson, and a biological daughter.
image description: Jordan’s Three children sit smiling on a rock. One is eating ice cream.
When I became pregnant, it was a blessing and a surprise. We had tried fertility treatments and it ended up in loss. Needless to say, the joy in our house was bountiful.
We were having a baby. My baby, my blood, my husband’s blood.
In the next breath my mind went straight to my stepchildren. The souls that first made me a mother.
When I met my stepchildren, I wish I could say “Our eyes met and we were peas in a pod from that day on”. Instead, each child let me into their heart at their own pace. We worked hard, together, to create the family we have today.
I have been lucky to have stepchildren that love me as fiercely as I love them but this was a big change for all of us and I was concerned. Will I love them as deeply as the baby that will come? Will they still feel welcome and loved and important in our home? How do we maintain the level of attention they have had up until now? How do we bring this new babe into the fold without rocking the status quo?
It turns out you can’t.
What you can do is create a space where you tend to and care for any and all fears of replacement as often as needed so love has the option to grow.
image description: jordan’s two older children entertain the youngest in her car seat.
Here are ten practical suggestions for how to do that:
Once the new baby arrives, allow the older kids to bond with baby at their own pace. Definitely make opportunities for them to bond and get to know each other but I found that I had to allow space for my stepchildren to welcome and participate with their newborn sister on their own terms. DO NOT make this about you. This is their relationship.
Allow complete ac cess to you and the baby once you are home. Allow the older kids to spend time with you while you breastfeed, share in the trials you are facing, educate them on little facts such as the benefits of breastfeeding, how to do a diaper change, bath time, etc.
Share responsibilities with them. Trust them with their baby sibling (in age appropriate ways). Even young children can help by bringing a diaper for a diaper change or help you “read” to the new baby. Older kids and tweens/teens can be given greater responsibilities, such as the chance to care for baby while you shower, take the garbage out, etc.
Invite their friends over to celebrate them and their new sibling. Refer to the newborn as “THEIR sister/brother/sibling”.
Get excited with them about all the amazing things they will be able to mentor this young soul on in the years to come (follow their lead and keep it within their interests!)
Make it a priority for the older kids to spend time with their biological parent as much as possible in the early days.
Schedule a one-on-one date (WITHOUT THE BABY) with each of your stepchildren at least once a month. Aim to increase this as baby gets older.
Rejoice together in all things family.
Do not allow resentment to fester. Make sure you and your partner are tending to your relationship and that you are lifting each other up.
TALK. Whether your older kids say anything or not, they are worried. They are worried about the changes in the house, they are worried about the added stress that comes with pregnancy and then a newborn, they are worried about how the dynamics will be changing. These are their feelings, not yours, and they are entitled to them. Make or provide a safe place where they can talk through what they are feeling.
And my final piece of advice: be forgiving, listen before speaking, talk with your spouse, learn and try again, until you find what works best in your home. You’ve got this!
image description: a child holds up a stamped metal tag on a silver colored chain that reads “family 11.7.15”
