The Reason Beneath the Reason

“Here’s the thing – emotion and cognition undefined and unexplored drive every decision you make. I mean, you either develop self-awareness or these things control you.” ~ Brené Brown

I love this quote! First, because it’s true. But also because it explains why it’s so important to look for the reason behind the reason of our behaviour.

What I mean by that is that all of our behaviour is driven by deeply held beliefs about ourselves, about our world, and about how we fit into that world. Most of the time we’re unaware of what those beliefs are and unless we consciously choose to go digging, they’ll likely remain unexamined (and in control).

Image description: a newborn baby, wearing a light blue toque, is held against their parent’s shoulder, looking over the shoulder.

This is why growth and change are simple but not always easy. You need to peel back the layers and keep peeling until you understand what’s really going on in your deepest parts.

For example – for most of my life, I’ve found it extremely difficult to rest, to just take a break.

At first I thought it was simply because I had overcommitted myself, so I started saying no to things and doing less. Then I realized that I still managed to keep “busy” even when there wasn’t anything to do. So I practiced sitting quietly with myself. Which is when I realized that deep in my insides was the belief that unless I was DOING I was not worthy.

Somewhere along the line, I downloaded the belief that only productive people are worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging (not really shocking when you consider our hyper-individualistic and growth-for-growth’s-sake culture).

Once I uncovered that belief and could look at it clearly, it made it much easier to call bullshit on it. And now, when I take a break, and that little voice pops up whispering “You better get moving or nobody will love you” I can 1) notice it and 2) choose not to believe it because IT’S NOT TRUE!

It’s just a shitty operating system that got downloaded before I had a choice in the matter.

Some days this is easier to do than others, but it’s worth practicing 1) noticing and 2) choosing because that allows me to be myself rather than trying to twist myself into a tiny box that doesn’t fit and that hurts and harms me.

Now that I’ve followed that pattern down to its root, it turns out that most of the patterns in my life are related to this one – if I’m not doing, I’m not worthy. Every time I think it might be a new belief, it turns out, nope – it’s the same old pattern. And the more I see it, the easier it is to recognize it when it rears its head.

Becoming a parent is often a time when these no-longer-helpful patterns in our lives come roaring to the forefront of our world because having a child exposes our own tender soul-bits – the parts of us that were rejected, hurt, uncared for, or conditionally loved when we were children. The parts of us that downloaded shitty operating systems about what we need to do or be to be worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.

If we don’t take the time to notice these patterns and begin to unpack them we WILL pass the same shit down to our kids.

So now, while you’re pregnant, is a good time to begin noticing – where are you repeating behaviours, thoughts or beliefs that served you at one point in your life BUT NO LONGER DO?

How can you begin to release those patterns?

What works for you? What doesn’t?

Let’s help you get unstuck! Your doulas can hold space for this kind of exploration. You don’t have to do this work alone.