Why It’s Hard to Advocate for Ourselves in Medical Situations

(And how we can start changing that)

You’re sitting in an exam room, trying to make sense of what your provider just said, and even though you have a question or concern, you can’t quite bring yourself to speak up. You nod. You smile. And later, you replay the moment over and over, wishing you’d asked, pressed pause, or said, “Actually, I’m not sure I agree.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Advocating for ourselves in medical situations, especially during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, isn’t easy. It’s not easy even for people who teach advocacy.

Why it’s hard

1. We’re taught to defer to authority.

From a young age, most of us learn to be “good patients.” We’re rewarded for being polite, compliant, and undemanding. Questioning a doctor or midwife can feel like breaking the rules, even if we’re doing it for our own well-being.

2. Medical spaces feel intimidating.

There’s jargon, time pressure, fluorescent lights, and someone standing between you and your pants. It’s hard to feel grounded and powerful when you're half-dressed on an exam table.

3. There’s a power imbalance.

Providers often hold the expertise, the access, and the (perceived) authority. When your care feels rushed or dismissive, or when you've had past experiences where your voice wasn’t heard, it makes it even harder to speak up the next time.

4. We’re socialized (especially if we’re socialized as women) to be accommodating.

We’re taught to protect other people’s comfort, even at the expense of our own. To not seem difficult. To not be “too much.” That messaging can follow us right into the birth room.

Why it matters

Advocacy doesn’t mean being combative. It doesn’t mean refusing care (although it can). It simply means being in the driver’s seat of your own experience. It means understanding what is going to happen to you and why, and even though it might not be what you wanted, knowing that it was your decision.

Because this is your body.
This is your baby.
This is your birth.

When you feel informed, heard, and respected in your decisions, it can shift how you experience your entire pregnancy or birtt, even if things don’t go the way you planned. Advocacy supports autonomy. And autonomy supports safety: physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

How we start changing the pattern

1. Know that you’re allowed to ask questions.

Such as:
• “Can you explain that in another way?”
• “What are my options?”
• “What happens if we wait?”
• “What do you recommend, and why?”

You’re not being difficult. You’re getting information. That’s what informed care looks like.

2. Practice ahead of time.

Say your questions out loud before your appointment. Write them down. Roleplay with your partner, a friend, or your doula. Having the words ready can help you find your voice when the moment comes.

3. Bring someone with you.

A trusted person in the room can help you feel more grounded. They can take notes, speak up with or for you, and gently remind you that your voice matters.

4. Pause when you need to.

It’s okay to say:
“I need a minute to think about that.”
“I want to talk this over with my partner.”
“I’m not ready to make a decision yet.”

Consent isn’t one-and-done. It’s an ongoing conversation.

5. Work with care providers who value your voice.

The system isn’t perfect. But there are people in it who are committed to centering your experience. You deserve providers who make space for your questions, your values, and your needs. If it’s an option, find a provider who’s on your side.

You don’t have to do it alone

Advocacy can feel hard. It can feel uncomfortable. It can even feel scary. But it’s also a muscle you can build with practice, support, and community.

As doulas, we don’t speak for you. But we’re right there beside you, helping you find the words, hold the line, or take a breath before answering. Because you’re the expert on your own experience. And you deserve care that reflects that.