What's it really like to support your lover? Part 1
This one’s for you dads and partners!
When we talk about birth preparation, a lot of the focus goes to the birthing person: how will they cope? how will they get through? what do they need to know?
Which makes perfect sense. Labour is an intense and transformative experience that takes a person to their edges and then asks for a little bit more.
And when we talk about birth preparation for partners and fathers-to-be, the focus is usually on how you can support your lover through it, what you need to do and say, to help. Which also makes sense.
The support SHOULD all flow in to the centre, to the birthing person – they need to feel your loving presence, a sense of connection and safety, to be able to fully surrender to birth.
And also, YOU are undergoing your own intense emotional transformation.
You are also being called on in a new and deep way.
Image description: a father holds their baby, kissing them on the cheek
It’s not something we often talk about and so you may find it challenging to watch the person you love work through such an intense physical, emotional, and mental feat as labour.
To watch the person you love struggle through moments of overwhelm and intensity, and sometimes even despair and suffering, without being able to stop it, fix it, or change it.
As Father's Day has just passed for those of us in North America, I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections from our clients on what it was like to support their partners through birth.
I interviewed three partners:
Drew – married to Meghan, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with midwives; spontaneous labour, cesarean birth; Doula Rachel (FYI Drew is also my little brother 😊)
Sarah – married to Dawn, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with midwives; induced labour, assisted vaginal birth; Doula Christine
Christian – partnered with Jess, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with OBs; spontaneous labour, precipitous, vaginal birth; Doula Christine
Everyone's responses were so great, I didn't want to cut anything out, so I've split this in to three parts.
READ PART TWO | READ PART THREE
Here is part one:
Thinking back to when your partner was still pregnant, what were you most looking forward to about labor? What was your biggest concern?
Drew: “I honestly couldn't wait until the labour part was over. Haha.
I was so excited to have the next chapter of mine and Meghan's life start and that was colliding with all the uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing what to expect through the labour.
My biggest concern about going into the unknown was the thought that something out of our control may go wrong and I wouldn't be able to calm or soothe the situation.”
Sarah: “I was most looking forward to the closeness and bonding between Dawn and I. Of course what I was most excited about was when I’d get to meet Hatcher, but about the labour itself, definitely the closeness and the opportunity to be the best possible birth partner.
My biggest concern was seeing Dawn in pain and not being able to fix it.”
Christian: “Naturally I was so excited about meeting our baby. But leading into that, I felt our pregnancy, and especially our labour, was a time to grow closer together, to be the best, most solid team we could be. Knowing what I know now, it’s even more the case.
Postpartum life is upside down - less sleep, more worries, lots of second guessing and frayed nerves, it is a real test. Making sure you build that extra solid foundation of togetherness, empathy and tenderness beforehand is really important.”
How did you view your role during labour? How did you prepare yourself to fulfill that role?
Drew: “I always felt that my role was going to be determined by how Meghan was doing throughout the labour.
I felt all I was going to try to do was be there for Megs. I pictured myself being by her side and being a hand to crush when needed.
The prenatal classes that we took with you was the best way I knew I could try to prepare. What I loved about the classes was that it made me at peace with the fact that no matter how much you can try to prepare and plan, curve balls will be thrown.
I was confident going into the labour that I had no idea how it may go, but that we would take it one step at a time. It was also a huge comfort knowing that I was going to have my big sister there to help me.”
Sarah: “I viewed my role in the labour as doing literally anything Dawn needed from me. I also wanted to be her strongest advocate.
To prepare, I read the birth partner book [The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin – available in our lending library when you book doula services] and attended the classes through Alberta health. I attended every Midwife appointment and was very involved in the process.”
Christian: “It’s perhaps too easy to take a subtractive view of labour, to look at all the roles that others play in the birth process, and wonder what is left for the partner that is substantive.
Really it’s about what the partner can add to the mother, as she goes through this wondrous experience. For me, the focus was on lending confidence, love and encouragement, and trying to share or offload whatever stresses, burdens and challenges came up.
In terms of preparation, apart from the many things we did together (classes, birth plan, hypnobirthing sessions, good discussions about values and ideals), for me personally the preparation was finding ways I could be calm and focused during the birth, and ensuring that my ego was well out of the way so I was fully supportive.
That last part may sound a bit strange, but things can move and change so quickly during labour, the partner really needs to take their (momentary) baggage out of the equation and be 100% there for the mother.”
Stay tuned for part two!
Doula support ISN'T just for birthing folks - it's for you, too. Sometimes fathers and partners worry that a doula will take their place in the birth room but our goal is to support YOU so you can support your lover at your best.
Sound like the kind of support you want?
