What's it really like to support your lover? Part 3
This one’s for you dads and partners!
When we talk about birth preparation, a lot of the focus goes to the birthing person: how will they cope? how will they get through? what do they need to know?
Which makes perfect sense. Labour is an intense and transformative experience that takes a person to their edges and then asks for a little bit more.
And when we talk about birth preparation for partners and fathers-to-be, the focus is usually on how you can support your lover through it, what you need to do and say, to help. Which also makes sense.
The support SHOULD all flow in to the centre, to the birthing person – they need to feel your loving presence, a sense of connection and safety, to be able to fully surrender to birth.
And also, YOU are undergoing your own intense emotional transformation.
You are also being called on in a new and deep way.
Image description: Dawn and Sarah are laying down on a bed, holding hands. Dawn is experiencing a contraction.
It’s not something we often talk about and so you may find it challenging to watch the person you love work through such an intense physical, emotional, and mental feat as labour.
To watch the person you love struggle through moments of overwhelm and intensity, and sometimes even despair and suffering, without being able to stop it, fix it, or change it.
As Father's Day has just passed for those of us in North America, I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections from our clients on what it was like to support their partners through birth.
I interviewed three partners:
Drew – married to Meghan, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with midwives; spontaneous labour, cesarean birth; Doula Rachel (FYI Drew is also my little brother 😊)
Sarah – married to Dawn, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with midwives; induced labour, assisted vaginal birth; Doula Christine
Christian – partnered with Jess, expecting baby #1, planned hospital birth with OBs; spontaneous labour, precipitous, vaginal birth; Doula Christine
Everyone's responses were so great, I didn't want to cut anything out, so I've split this in to three parts.
Here is part three:
What is something you think is important for other partners and fathers-to-be to know about supporting their lover through labour and postpartum?
Drew: “Do your best to keep it light.
Crack a joke when you can.
Know when not to crack a joke.
Reset your breathing as often as your partner does.
Get a chair/recliner/glider you can fall asleep in!”
Sarah: “I think other people should just know that nothing you do to support your person is wrong. Whatever they need, that is what you do.
Remember that you need to be the tough person, that no matter what, how tired you are (or hungry) or how sore you are, they need you. Just be there.
But I would recommend eating some food throughout the day (listen to your doula when she tells you to eat), because I almost passed out afterwards.
Postpartum, I went to the store to get everything we would need. I made sure I gave her breaks (took the baby) so she could have baths, get sleep etc. I forced her to nap even when she was saying no. Cooking and keeping things tidy.
Help with breastfeeding, make padsicles. basically, do everything your partner needs. Also be supportive of her emotions!”
Christian: “For labour: An informed and empowered mother is the key to a successful birth. Let the mother lead, and back them up all the way, no matter what unfolds. Things may deviate from what you envisioned or planned, but you will get there, together.
Beyond just labour, I think it’s essential to focus on ways to convey empathy and support for your partner, whether they’re experiencing pain, fear, sleeplessness or self-doubt.
Sometimes our natural inclination is to try to brainstorm solutions for everything we perceive to be a problem; but oftentimes listening and acknowledging your partner’s situation and letting them know you’re there to help in whatever way they need can be a far better way to address the situation, and help them through this profound transformation.”
Doula support ISN'T just for birthing folks - it's for you, too. Sometimes fathers and partners worry that a doula will take their place in the birth room but our goal is to support YOU so you can support your lover at your best.
Sound like the kind of support you want?
